Questions To Ask Bo Pelini At A Post Game Presser

This past weekend the Husker staged the greatest comeback in the history of Nebraska football, but you wouldn't know it by looking at the vast landscape of Husker web sites.

Nah, it's all about the media. Dirk Chatelain, Bo Pelini, Lee Barfknecht, and even Steve Sipple, all locked in a bitter battle to the death over whether it's okay to ask questions about Taylor Martinez' performance at quarterback. (If you're keeping track, it may seem like Pelini is outnumbered, but I'd take him over at least 15 media guys at once. Hell, I'd even bet him against 10 media guys and Ditka.)

Everyone's picking sides. You got those who think Pelini is an embarrassment. You got those who think he's a great coach defending his players. Either way there seems to be a universal complaint about the media that boils down to:

"Do they have to ask so many inane questions?"

or

"Can't they come up with better questions?"

Unfortunately it's very rare that anyone with such complaints propose questions that the media might ask.

Like always, CN is here to help.  We recognize that the media needs our help (and yours) in coming up with better questions.

After the jump is a list of questions the media might consider using at the next Bo Pelini media event, which, by the way, won't be this week since the media has been "blacked out" while Tom Osborne thinks of a clever way to bring everyone back together in a peaceful and harmonious fashion.

These are the questions we'd ask Bo Pelini if we were upstanding, credentialed members of the Nebraska media:

Have you ever stared someone to death? ('Cause I'm about to pass out)

Were you using the Lever-Spill-Lever or Ladle-Spill-Ladle philosophy with the linebackers this week?

Were you trying to kiss Luke Fickell, or what happened there after the game?

Hey, Bo? You like movies about gladiators?

So when you and Taylor's dad game plan every week, what do you guys talk about?

You saw the game, what did you think?

Want to have a sleepover, Bo? We can brush each other's hair and talk about anger management.

Is there an established number of plays an offensive lineman runs before he's rotated out, or is one of your assistants doing that "eeny meeny miney moe" thing on the sideline to determine who gets into the game? 

Have you ever bitten the head off a live chicken?

What three plays would you consider the "bread and butter" plays of this offense?

Your favorite method of executing reporters would be what?

No, seriously, is Ari Fleischer going to do this next week?

What was it that you saw in Stanley Jean-Baptiste that made you move him to cornerback in mid-season?

If a wolverine and a badger got into a fight, which do you think would win?

When you pulled him out of the ground, did Saddam beg for his life?

One of your players makes a video of himself wanking in nothing but a pair of crocs and sends it to Rachel Nichols. Do you pull his still beating heart out of his chest or just hurl him through a brick wall leaving a Wile E. Coyote-shaped hole?

Time to clear up the myth - in a New Orleans bar, did you once take 30 straight chest slaps from Ric Flair without flinching just to win a $5 bet?

If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?