Bo Pelini to Michigan? to Pitt? Who Makes Up These Absurd Rumors?

I heard he resigned to accept a position as Public Realtions Officer with Cornfed Inc.

Unlike Oklahoma State head coach Mike Gundy, Bo Pelini is NOT a man.

According to ace Fox Sports correspondent Lisa Horne, Pelini underwent a sex change operation following his freshman year at Cardinal Mooney High School in Ohio.

Prior to the drastic surgery, Bo (or Babbette, as he/she was previously named) served as
head cheerleader on the frosh squad, was a member of Future Homemakers of America,
and was a promising flute player in the school band.

In an exclusive interview with Pelini, Horne reports that Bo stated, “Lisa, for so many years I’ve wanted to get this secret off my (flat) chest. But I had to wait until the perfect reporter came along. And that’s you, my dear…you’re outstanding in your field, along with the rest of the cows.”

1) Special assistant to the Defense Secretary. Apparently they don’t understand what kind of defense is Bo’s specialty, but you don’t tell the defense department no.

2) Bo is slated to take over the ESU Timberwolves after the ouster of head coach Sam Winters who couldn’t get his rogue program under control. While the cupboard appears to be bare, what with the loss of Heisman candidate Joe Kane, as well as defensive studs Alvin Mack and Steve Lattimer, he will have hot-shot sophomore running back Darnell Jefferson to carry the load for a team with high expectations.

3) After spending a little too much time reading message boards and such, Bo resigns to take a position at a school in a state where they really don’t give a crap about college football. Leading possibilities: DL coach at Rutgers, DC at Boston College.

Bo Pelini will replace Juan Williams at NPR and will be allowed to be a Fox News Correspondent on the O’Rielly Factor.

Brothers Bo and Carl Pelini reportedly escaped from a California anger-management rehab center three days ago, where they had been undergoing treatment.

In what officials are calling “suspiciously related events”, the following people were found beaten in their homes or offices: Casey Martinez, Dan Beebe, Fox sports reporter Lisa Horne, and numerous football referees. In each case, the vicims were assaulted by ears of field corn.

All victims survived their attacks, but so far have refused to identify their assailants.

Bo and Carl Pelini are the secret sources for Dan Brown’s new novel, The Book of Ak-sar-ben.

I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A RUMOR. In one of the strangest moves in the HISTORY of of college football, Nebraska’s Bo Pelini has announced that he has accepted the head coaching jobs at the following universities:
Michigan ( with dastardly plans to lose to his alma mater, Ohio State, yearly)*
Miami (natural tanning thrown in with great salary)*
LSU (Miles stays…..just for the “wacky factor”)*
Penn State (coach-in-waiting til the old guy kicks off)*
Notre Dame (“I am a Catholic, darn it! Therefore that job is mine!”)*

*note: all sources are internet-derived.

As much as I love Nebraska for the friendly people and the great state, I swear that people become so bored and start these rumors just to have something to talk about.

I will always cheer on the Big Red because it is a great team with great tradition and a great coaching staff, but unless one hears something from the horse’s mouth…c’mon. Why don’t you become interested in something else like the degrees these guys are pursuing? Remember, it’s not just about football, it’s also about academics! I find it phenomenal that Grant Wistrom was first string and majored in pre-med…that can’t be easy.

Coach Osborne: Pelini? Pelini? Pelini?

Coach Watson: Um, he’s sick. My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Bo pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it’s pretty serious.

Coach Osborne: Thank you Shawn.

Coach Watson: No problem whatsoever.

Bo and Carl are both planning to run away to join the circus as a high-wire act. They will be known as the ‘Flying Moonies’ (after their high school alma mater), not the more obvious ‘Flying Pelini Brothers’.

When their circus days are over, they plan to retire to Georgia and raise peanuts. Or maybe run for president.