Taylor Martinez Is T-Magic? No. How 'Bout "Too Fast"?

I'm not too hyped on Taylor Martinez' nickname, "T-Magic". I realize his teammates gave him the nickname, and I know that most fans can fall in love with a nickname, but this one ain't working for me.

I can understand why he needs a nickname. It's because his name is too long. By the time someone says "Taylor Martinez", he's already scored, is done celebrating and they're lining up for the PAT.

Another problem, TAYLOR MARTINEZ is hard to yell at the top of your lungs because it's longer than two syllables and anything longer than two syllables is hard to yell at the top of your lungs, and that's important because fans like yelling.

The obvious solution is to shorten it, but there's no easy solution there either. Shorten it to "Tay" and people think "Tay Sonday" and the next thing you know you gotta whole lotta drunk Husker fans singing Chocolate Rain and no one wants to hear that.

You can't use Martinez, because god only knows how many Martinez' there are in the world, i.e., it's not unique. That was the beautiful thing about Ndamukong Suh. There just aren't that many SUUUUUHHHHH's in the world. Everyone knew who you were talking about, the secondary benefit being that the lawyers around you would get all giddy making them easier to identify and therefore kill on the spot.

Here's the problem with "T-Magic". I'm searching around the internets looking for video of him, and I run into a newscast that features some highlights of the young speed demon, which is fine until somebody decides that Taylor Martinez needs background music.

WTF? They pick "Magic" by Pilot, a song that's been remade about 60,000 times, most recently by Selena Gomez. Does this sound like an ass-kicking football player to you? NO.

You're probably making him weaker just thinking of it, so stop.


That's not the only problem. The bigger problem is that song being played at a Husker tailgate where people are having fun because it's catchy and next thing you know it ends up as an object of derision on an opponent's blog. Do you want that? No, you don't.

Looking around, it occurs to me that there isn't a single song I can think of that includes "Magic" that fits Taylor Martinez' ass-kicking potential. 

Quick list:

Magic Man - Heart - They were really hot in 1978.
Magic - Cars - Possibly the most boring band with good music ever. Watch this video and go to sleep.
Magic Carpet Ride - Steppenwolf - overused, old.  
Magic - Olivia Newton John -  See Heart above.
Love Sex Magic - Justin Timberlake - I can't believe I put this here. Please kill me.
Magic - Wizards of Waverly Place - Sell Your Husker gear and root for Baylor if you thought of this.
Some Call It Magic - Raven Symone - She's so Raven! No.
Every Little Thing She Does is Magic - Police - No.
Everything's Magic - Angels & Airwaves - At least it's upbeat, but no, not mean enough.
Magic - Robin Thicke - Not ass-kicking, but it is smoooth. Maybe that's it. Smooth. Plus, he can bend metal with his mind.
Then there's this one that the guys featured in this week's podcast.

 

Still, not ass-kicking, but maybe we could go for the freak-out factor and use Insane Clown Posse as inspiration. NSFW (Do I really need to tell you that?)



Uh, maybe not.

How 'bout we lose the whole "T-Magic" thing and just go with something descriptive.He's fast, right? Maybe too fast. And there you go. "Too Fast" or "Too Fast Martinez". Fine, maybe "T-Fast". 

Maybe we could come up with a meme around that, unless you got something better?

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