Iowa State Geneticist's Dream Shattered in Attempt to Clone "Super Cyclones"

Iowa State research assistant Allison Johnson left her job recently, complaining that her co-workers had created a hostile work environment. Coworkers were disgusted with Johnson for upsetting a prominent genetics researcher, Dr Robert Zimmerman, who has worked at Iowa State University the past 20 years and is well-known and well-respected by his peers. 

The incident that upset Zimmerman came about while he and Johnson were having a conversation in which Zimmerman was detailing his plan to clone a team of "Super Cyclones".  He informed Johnson he was working on a plan to clone football players from the DNA of a group of Iowa State all-stars such as Seneca Wallace, Troy Davis, Matt Blair, and even legendary Jack Trice for whom the Iowa State football stadium is named. 

Johnson said she was only trying to be nice when she said, "It'd be nice for the Cyclones to get into a big-time bowl game" after which Zimmerman "freaked out".  

"He started screaming stuff  how they would be the greatest college football team ever assembled and win every national championship until the end of time and getting in my face so I screamed back at him "Are you crazy? Even the best Iowa State players of all time couldn't beat Nebraska and Texas every year! They probably couldn't even win the conference!""

Johnson said at that point, Zimmerman went into shock. "His mouth was wide open, he made a weird ‘eep!' noise and crumpled into a corner." 

"I guess the realization I was right hit him too hard and it was too much for him to take after putting so much work into the cloning project."  

Zimmerman hasn't spoke to anyone since and more importantly has stopped working his research projects, causing his colleagues a great deal of concern. The tension in the department was too much for Johnson, so she left the university. When asked about Johnson, department spokesperson Dr Dexter Anders dismissed her complaint as "silliness", instead turning the attention back to Zimmerman.  

"We were all aware that Dr. Bob was a bit off with the whole cloned football team thing, but we put up with it...... the guy was doing valuable research on reducing ammonia in pig feces. He was brining a lot of money into the department."

When asked to elaborate, Anders stated, "He was trying to create pig shit that doesn't stink. Do you have any idea what that would mean to Iowa?"