A Reader's Guide to Internet Rumors

I've had it with rumors for now.  I'll believe hard news, but I will be taking anything without a named sources with a salt mine, and you should, too.  And, to help you along, here's a little bit of a rumormongering lexicon:

"A person close to the program" -- someone near a copy of Internet Explorer

"A source close to the situation" -- a cast member on Jersey Shore

"A reliable source" -- a source that can be relied on either for their unfailing accuracy or unfailing inaccuracy

"A player on the team" -- a member of some team -- possibly football, flag football, broomball, or Quiz Bowl

"a source with ties to the program" -- a rope supplier or possibly someone who walks on the railroad tracks near Memorial Stadium

"A source with knowledge of the situation" -- someone who watches Jersey Shore

"A member of the coaching staff" -- someone who coaches a team -- possibly football, softball, cheerleading, or 9-Ball

"A trusted source" -- a source with a trust fund

"An anonymous source" -- someone the reporter can't identify because they have no idea who they are

"A source inside the program" -- someone standing on campus

"My cousin/brother/sister/roommate" -- the reporter

Feel free to add anything I've forgotten, and enjoy sifting through the endless cycles of rumors and speculation!